so i've been thinking a lot in this time of transition. i did a lot of thinking during my 6000 miles of driving, and have continued to process since being in NJ. some days there is too much time for thinking - and my thoughts can often run away with themselves. irrational anxieties often creep in easily. i remember that i'm about to turn 31, that i have two degrees, am currently unemployed, and have a fair amount of debt yet to be repaid. it's amazing how quickly my thoughts can orient toward things that i think i should be measured by. but then i remember that i have chosen to pursue a different thing - a life of ministry, pursuing and living out God's kingdom.
i haven't chosen a "profession" per say - i didn't come out of undergrad with a marketing degree or pursue an mba. i'm not really qualified for any normal job or career. and when i'm in transition, that can make things look bleak in the practical sense. i don't have trouble entrusting my life and well-being to God in the long run, but i have a lot of trouble trusting in the shorter term.
so i wanted to share a little bit about where i'm at with things. at this point, i am feeling unsure of a specific direction or focus or avenue toward what i desire and what i feel called to. with as many challenges as i've faced working in churches, i still feel such conviction for the church - for what it could be. so working in the church is still a possibility for me. i think i've learned a lot with regard to the specific type of environment and position that i'm made for, so i believe i'd be able to better evaluate what i'm getting myself into.
some other things seem to be potential options for me too. as many of you may know, i'm a pretty outdoor-centered person. so over the years i've been trying to seek out possibilities that mate ministry and the outdoors - retreat centers, camps, conference centers, high adventure ministry. i am truly at home in creation, and even moreso when i'm in creation with a community of people. so working at a camp with a small staff team is a great combination for me. even though those opportunities seem to be fewer and farther between, i'm still poking around to see what's out there that might fit what i can offer. another thing i've been thinking about is getting involved with a church in more of a volunteer/member role, and "get a normal job". this possibility appeals to me for a number of reasons. first, on the job side, i really enjoy working with my hands, doing some form of manual labor - some specific task that i'm responsible for. so the possibility of doing something like that is appealing. on the ministry side of things, getting more involved as a volunteer would keep me a little farther from the administration/business/politics side of church that i HATE. and yes, i really mean HATE.
so anyways - all that to share a little bit more of where i'm at. a friend of mine once told me that she thought the meaning of life was to know yourself, love yourself, and allow God to use you. so i'm just continuing to figure out who i am and how i function so that i can figure out where God can best use me. and i feel good about where i am on that road. so we'll see where it continues to lead.